What If You're Wrong About Being Right? (Conflict Resolution in Marriage)

Have you ever tried to disagree with someone who's absolutely convinced they're right? It's exhausting, isn't it? And if we're honest, we've all been that person at some point - utterly certain, completely justified, maybe even using spiritual language to back ourselves up.

This week at Crowd Church, Matt Edmundson tackled the topic of conflict. Not just in marriage, but in friendships, at work, online, and increasingly in our everyday interactions. Because we're living in extraordinary times, where we no longer just disagree with people's ideas, we've moved to fundamentally hating them as individuals. We've gone from "I think you're wrong" to "I think you're evil and dangerous." It’s even got a name: affective polarisation.

We've Forgotten How to Communicate

James, the brother of Jesus, gives us this brilliant framework: "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry." (James 1:19)

But we've completely flipped that script, haven't we? We're quick to speak, slow to listen, and really, really quick to become angry.

Proverbs 18:2 pulls no punches about this: "Fools find no pleasure in understanding, but delight in airing their own opinions." Ouch! That one stings because it's true. We may think we're being humble by having a conversation, but if we've already decided we're right before it even starts, we're not really having a conversation at all - we're delivering a verdict.

Winners and Avoiders

Matt identified two camps most of us fall into when disagreements arise.

The Winners

These are the people who approach every disagreement like a battle that must be won. Facts, logic, evidence - marshal everything until the other person has nothing left to say. The problem? You might win the argument completely, but something breaks between you. Your logic might be airtight, but you've lost the person. You're right, but you're alone.

Matt shared honestly from his own business experience. As someone who runs a company, there's a certain amount of ego required - you have to believe you're right enough to back your decisions. But he's learned the hard way that he desperately needs pushback. He created a board where everyone has equal votes, regardless of shareholding, and recently, they pushed back on his suggestions.

"I found it deeply annoying," he admitted, "but also very, very helpful."

He's still learning to see disagreements as opportunities rather than battles to win. Because in marriage, especially, if you approach communication with a "must win" mindset, you may gain the argument but lose the person.

The Avoiders

Then there are those who avoid conflict entirely. Don't rock the boat. Keep things pleasant—peace at any cost.

At first, this strategy seems brilliant. No fights, no tension, everything's calm. You tell yourself you're picking your battles wisely. But while you're avoiding the conflict, you're also preventing the connection. The things that matter most go unspoken. Hurt and resentment build quietly, like mould behind a wall you can't see until the damage is catastrophic.

One day, it could be tomorrow or next year, but something small happens, and you explode. All that suppressed hurt comes out at once, and your partner is completely blindsided because they had no idea this was building.

You may have kept the peace, but the net result is a loss of intimacy. You start withdrawing, even if only a little. You become more like roommates than life partners.

Paul puts it perfectly: "If I understood all of God's secret plans and possessed all knowledge, but didn't love others, I would be nothing." (1 Corinthians 13:2). Knowledge without love destroys. But Jesus also speaks directly to avoiders: "If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offence." (Matthew 18:15). Go. Tell them.

Don't store it up. Don't pretend everything's fine. Biblical love doesn't demand you win, but it also doesn't allow you to hide.

Six Biblical Principles for Conflict Resolution

Matt unpacked six practical principles from Ephesians 4:25-32 that reframe how we handle disagreements:

1. Stop Telling Lies - Tell the Truth

So stop telling lies. Let us tell our neighbours the truth, for we are all parts of the same body.

This means complete transparency in marriage—no hidden websites, no secret social media accounts, no private text messages that exclude your spouse. Marriage is not a place for secrets. If you can't share it with your spouse, there's a strong chance you shouldn't be doing it.

2. Control Your Anger - Deal With It Quickly

Don’t sin by letting anger control you. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil.

Unresolved anger ferments into something toxic. Small things become mountains when we let them fester. Keep short accounts. Deal with things quickly. Don't give the devil a foothold.

Look at what's happening in UK society right now - anger has been building up over the years, and now it's erupting everywhere. People are venting like there's no tomorrow because they've kept things unsaid for so long.

3. Watch Your Words

Don't use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement.

This should be a guiding principle, especially on social media. It is becoming harder to tell Christians apart from non-Christians based on how we speak online. The contempt in our words, the tribal anger - we sound just like everyone else.

When we consume primarily politically charged content, we get discipled by social media, by anger, by fear, by tribal thinking - rather than by the Holy Spirit. We conform our speech and emotional responses to match our political tribe rather than our spiritual calling.

Your words should build up, not tear down. They should be characterised by grace and truth.

4. Get Rid of Bitterness

Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behaviour.

Notice who Paul is talking to here - you, not them. Not your spouse, but you. This is about personal responsibility. Deal with how you communicate. Get rid of the bitterness and rage.

You may have every right to feel the way you do, but consider getting rid of it anyway because it's not helping you.

Paul reminds us that love keeps no record of being wronged. Stop being "historical" in your arguments. Stop bringing up failures from 1992. It's time to let it go.

5. Be Kind

Be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

Let's be clear: kind does not mean soft or weak. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is confront the issue directly. Kindness isn't about being quiet or avoiding difficult conversations; it's about being genuine and open. Kindness is about communicating with a tender heart.

Matt shared how he learned early in his marriage to be the first to apologise. He sat in his study, wrote things down, and examined what he'd contributed to the conflict rather than defending his position. When he did, both their guards came down, and they could actually have a real conversation.

Jesus puts it brilliantly: "Why worry about a speck in your friend's eye when you have a log in your own? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye." (Matthew 7:3-5)

The chances are really high that you have what Jesus called a log in your own eye. So, apologise for that. Own it. Be the first to apologise.

This is hard - the hardest thing is letting go of the belief that you're right, especially when emotions are involved. But without a doubt, 99 times out of 100, there's always something you can own up to and apologise for.

6. Remember How Much You've Been Forgiven

Just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

This is the game changer. When you remember how much you've been forgiven - your pride, your defensiveness, your offence, your need to be right, the ways you've hurt God and others - it becomes easier to extend that same grace to your spouse.

What This Looks Like Practically

Matt shared from his own life. He journals, prays, and walks - often doing all three together. And he always tries to do it within a day because he never wants bitterness to fester in him.

Recently, life had been busy, and he hadn't been spending as much time with Sharon as he should or as she deserved. Sharon was feeling it. Matt could have justified it - men are great at justifying work and busyness - but that wasn't the point. He needed to get rid of the log in his own eye.

So he apologised. And it wasn't the "I'm sorry you're upset" or "I'm sorry you feel that way" kind of apology - that kind deserves a slap, honestly. It was a deep, proper repentance after taking time to think about what he'd done and what he needed to apologise for.

And it led to talking things through that needed addressing.

Conversation Street: The Phone Problem

We've all seen it - the couple in a restaurant, both on their phones. Or you're around someone's house and everyone's scrolling instead of talking. The rise of social media and short-form content has infiltrated our conversations.

Dan shared how he and Lisa have to be conscious about putting phones down, realising that most things aren't as urgent as they feel. "My excuse was that I run a business, I need to be on my phone. It's not that urgent. I can wait and do it all together in one go."

Jenny and her husband have established rules: phones aren't allowed at the dinner table or in bedrooms. They try to plan intentional times when they'll connect - even if it's just an evening meal at home, with phones put away. "It's so addictive," she admitted. "We go through seasons when we're more addicted and find more excuses. We'd be terrible if we weren't trying proactively to be on top of it."

Practical tips that emerged:

• Use summary notifications instead of constant alerts
• Get a second phone line to separate business from personal
• Take a deck of cards when you go out as a family
• Establish phone-free zones and times
• Wear a regular watch instead of a smartwatch when out with your spouse

But What About Compatibility?

Jenny raised a question that's becoming increasingly common: "Maybe we're just not compatible. Maybe I picked the wrong person. Maybe the best thing is to go our separate ways."

Matt's response was characteristically direct: "Let's be clear - you are not compatible. Fundamentally, you are flawed human beings. So there's gonna be an element of tension and disagreement."

Life isn't like the reels you see on social media. Marriage is complicated and messy. Don't be surprised if it's not what you expect.

But if you've made a covenant promise, that's a promise. Assuming there's no adultery, abuse, or abandonment - if it's just a couple who cannot get on - Matt doesn't think that nullifies a covenant promise.

"Compatibility becomes about you swallowing your pride, the pair of you, and doing something to rectify the problem. Once you're in, you're in. You've got to find a way through."

Jenny added her own experience: "Me and my husband actually have hardly anything in common. Sometimes we're like, how did we end up married? But we have a great marriage because we've worked through a whole ton of stuff multiple times. You were attracted to each other because you're different, and that difference is what sometimes makes you infuriating now. But it's okay."

The key is a humble heart and shared vision. As long as you're committed to that covenant before God, God will help you work through pretty much anything.

Your Next Step This Week

Biblical love doesn't avoid conflict; it expects conflict and endures it. Modern culture views conflict as a sign that the relationship is failing. Scripture sees it as an opportunity for love to be refined and deepened.

Matt's challenge is simple: Next time you think you are right, ask yourself, "What if I'm wrong about being right?"

Be the first to apologise - not because you're weak, but because you're wise enough to value the relationship over being right.

Start there and see how it goes.

Because when everyone else has forgotten how to be human with each other, we can demonstrate as Christians that another way is possible. We can learn to disagree well, to debate without being offended, and to be okay with people not agreeing with us without feeling crushed.

We can show that love keeps no record of being wronged, that grace is more powerful than being right, and that connection matters more than winning.