When Submission Feels Dangerous And Why Authority Was Meant to Protect You

The word "submission" has a unique skill in that it clears a room faster than a fire alarm. Whether it's in marriage, church, or just life in general, most of us have an almost allergic reaction to it. And that reaction usually comes from a real place — stories of abuse, controlling leaders, or relationships where submission was weaponised to keep someone small.

But what if the very thing we're running from was actually designed to protect us? This week at Crowd Church, Dave Connolly tackled this head-on — and rather than offering a sanitised Sunday school answer, he acknowledged the mess, the pain, and the genuine reasons people struggle with submission. Then he walked us through what it looks like when it's done the way it was always meant to be.

Why This Word Makes Us Flinch

Dave didn't waste any time naming the elephant in the room. "When lots of people think of authority and submission," he said, "it conjures up a whole lot of thoughts and past experiences." And he's right. Most of us carry some baggage around authority and submission — whether from a controlling boss, a manipulative relationship, or church leaders who used their position to harm rather than serve.

There's also something deeper going on. Dave pointed to a "deeply rooted, sometimes unconscious need for autonomy" in all of us. We live in a culture that celebrates independence, personal rights, and self-determination. None of those things are inherently bad, but they can make the idea of willingly placing ourselves under anyone's authority feel like a threat.

And then there's the news cycle. It feels like every other week brings another story of a church leader who's fallen, who's abused trust, who's used the language of submission to control and damage people. Dave was blunt about this: "Personally I'm heartbroken and a little angry, if I'm honest."

What Submission Was Actually Designed to Be

Dave drew a clear distinction between submission as the world often practises it — domination, control, suppression — and what the Bible actually describes.

"Submission isn't about being less valuable than somebody else," Dave explained. "It's about aligning yourself to God and his purposes."

Think about it like this. A child living under their parents' authority is no less valuable than the parents. The structure exists to protect and nurture them. The Bible's take on it is surprisingly simple — God appoints authority to benefit us, not suppress us. When Dave read from James 4:7 (Submit yourself then to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you), he pointed out that there's a process. Surrender to God comes first. Everything else flows from that.

And Jesus himself modelled this. He had all the authority in the universe, yet he submitted to the Father. As Dave put it, authority is best exercised in service, not control and domination.

What This Looks Like in Real Life

In Marriage

This is probably where the conversation gets most heated. Dave has been married for decades, and "could probably write a book on all the mistakes I've made."

But the biblical picture of marriage submission isn't about one person dominating another. "It's partnership, but with different roles," The wife submits to her husband, and the husband loves his wife as Christ loved the church — Dave reckons the ladies get the better deal there. "Certainly the easier one," he said with a grin. Because loving someone the way Christ loved the church? That means laying down your life for them.

Anna Kettle picked this up during Conversation Street with real honesty. As a strong-minded, opinionated woman in a modern marriage where everything is 50/50, she said submission is something she finds genuinely challenging. But she keeps coming back to this: "How am I serving my husband and how is he serving me? And how are we both serving our family?"

Dave called it a way to "safe-proof your marriage"—putting someone else's needs before your own. Sometimes that looks like saying, "It's not my first choice, but you said it and I trust you."

In Church

Hebrews 13:17 — "Have confidence in your leaders and submit to their authority, because they keep watch over you as those who must give an account." Here we can see that leaders are accountable to God for how they care for people. That's not a light responsibility.

He was honest about the privilege and weight of church leadership — conducting weddings, children's dedications, and funerals. Walking with people through celebration and grief. "Sometimes it is a joy," he said. "And sometimes you go home and weep."

In Society

Dave touched on government authority, too, referencing Romans 13. He shared a fascinating story about an MP who rang him after an election. Dave admitted his first thought was, "How can you be a Christian and be in that party?" But as the MP shared his story — how he met Jesus, how he prays weekly with colleagues from across the political spectrum — Dave saw people who held different political beliefs but submitted to one another in faith.

Conversation Street

What do we do when leaders are asking for submission, but they're harming people?

This question came directly from the online community, referencing a real case of a Liverpool pastor convicted of sex offences. Dave's response was practical and compassionate. He advised never joining a church overnight, getting to know the leaders first, and looking for genuine servant leadership. He also emphasised that while these cases are devastating, thousands of faithful men and women serve their churches and communities without ever making the headlines. Sharon added that Jesus reserved his harshest words for religious leaders who oppressed people — God is never on the side of abuse. And there are times, like Daniel in the Old Testament, where submitting to earthly authority stops at the point where it contradicts what God says.

Is it possible to be too submissive?

Katherine shared that she's "often too scared not to do what I'm told," and that she ends up feeling less of a person. Sharon pointed to Jesus as someone who spoke with authority and submitted himself as a servant, but was never a walkover. "He knew who he was," Sharon said. As we grow in understanding who God says we are, we can hold strength and submission in tension — not caving to every whim, but having the strength to submit where it's right.

Home isn't a safe place for everyone — how do leaders handle that?

Another community member pointed out that when discussing submission, leaders need grace for those who struggle with it — because it's not always rebellion. Sometimes it's the result of deep wounds. Dave agreed, saying the only response is to welcome people in, be authentic, and model freedom rather than perfection. "As you live with people and you see people living in freedom, not perfection, it just stirs hope in you."

When Submission Goes Wrong

Dave and the hosts were crystal clear on this: if you are in a situation where you're being abused, controlled, or manipulated — whether in a church, a marriage, or any relationship — reach out to someone. "Do not stay in a place that is not safe for you," Dave said. "That is not God's desire."

Anna reinforced this: "God doesn't want us to submit to things that are unsafe, ungodly, or that put us or others at harm." The invitation isn't to stay in dangerous situations. It's to find a healthy, safe community where submission can function the way it was designed to.

Your Next Step This Week

1. Check your reaction — When you hear the word "submission," what comes up for you? Take a moment to honestly reflect on whether your response is shaped more by past experience or by what Scripture actually says.
2. Try preferring someone else — In one relationship this week — marriage, friendship, work — consciously put someone else's needs before your own. Not as a doormat, but as a choice.
3. Pray for your leaders — Whether it's your church leaders, your boss, or the government. You don't have to agree with them to pray for them.
4. Get honest about trust — If you've been hurt by someone in authority, don't pretend it didn't happen. But consider whether holding onto that pain is keeping you from the community and the growth God has for you.
5. Find a safe community — If you're isolated or in an unsafe situation, reach out. To a friend, to Crowd Church, to someone you trust. Faith was never meant to be a solo journey.

It Reveals Where We Are

"This topic, it just shows you where your heart is — and that's not a judgmental thing." How we respond to the idea of submission — whether with fear, resistance, openness, or even over-compliance — tells us something about our own journey.

The invitation isn't to blindly submit to anyone who claims authority. It's to first submit to a God who promises, "I'll never leave you or abandon you" — and then, from that place of security, to learn what healthy submission looks like in every other area of life.

Because here's what Dave wants us to hear: we're not choosing between safety and submission. When it's done right, submission is the safe place.