35: Healing from PTSD

hello and welcome to what's this story we're an inquisitive bunch of hosts from the what's the story team on a mission to uncover stories about faith and courage from everyday people and to help us do just that we get the privilege to chat with amazing guests and delve into their faith Journey the hurdles they've overcome and the life lessons they have learned along the way now if you enjoy our podcast don't forget to subscribe and sign up for our newsletter on our website which is what's the storypodcast.com it's your direct line too the latest episodes and detailed show notes and they all get delivered straight to your inbox and the best part it's absolutely free what's the story is brought to you by crowd church we understand that stepping into a traditional Church might not be everybody's cup of tea and that's where crowd church steps in providing a digital Sanctuary a safe space to explore the Christian faith where you can engage in meaningful conversations rather than just simply spectating so whether you are new to the Christian faith or are in search of a new church family we invite you to visit us at www.crowd.church and if you've got any questions just drop us an email at hello crowd.church we're here to help and we're genuinely love to connect with you and now without further Ado let's meet your host and our very special guest for today thank you hi and welcome to what's the story my name is Anna Kettle I'm one of your hosts here and this is podcast full of stories all about faith and courage from Everyday People now today I'm joined by my friend Katie Parker Katie is a Christian mental health Advocate and a trauma-informed well-being writer who integrates mental health and faith into her words she is originally from Slovakia as you'll probably detect in her accent when we chat in a moment but she now lives on the south coast of England with her husband Chris Katie writes about her own journey of overcoming trauma on her journey of smiley blog and also hosts the PTSD my story project which is a safe online space for trauma survivors to share their own stories and also help fight the stigma surrounding Mental Health now Katie that all sounds pretty cool and I'm looking forward to hearing more about it in a second thank you so much for joining us on the podcast today there's so many interesting parts of your story and I'm Keen to unpack all of them there's like a difficult childhood that you had growing up in Slovakia um and then more recently lost your mum to cancer which is very sad and you've also been involved in a major car accident that had some really life-changing consequences for you actually so I want to get into all of that stuff but yeah I guess shall we start right back at the beginning and maybe you could tell us a bit more about your backgrounds about what life was like growing up in Slovakia and how you became a Christian too yeah uh so yeah um I I was born in Slovakia uh yeah and yeah my life in Slovakia uh you know I mean I I have a lot of cousins we have a big family I've got lots of cousins my mom comes from a big family I came from a big family uh yeah and so um I kind of when I think of my childhood I always try to think like of the happy times you know making meeting up in Granny's plays and holidays and yeah um having all my cousins or uncles the aunties everything all together but then as well was the site of a year growing up and so that can my family immediate family my mom did have a quite a hard life I must say unfortunately I mean um as I said she comes from a lot of children yeah she was one of the old days so and so she had to kind of help lots of time in a home as one of the oldest um then she got married and um my father I was I'll call him unfortunately and my mom as well lost her first child very yeah so the first child actually she lost it as well before I was born so uh yeah she took out through lots of things you know but to be honest um she was always my role model because she was very strong yeah she was very strong she was very strong in fade and that's how my fate yeah that's where my fight comes from you know it's from my mom because uh yeah she was everything she went through you know um and how strong she was always in her fade is really something I admired actually many times and then um after I finish a school I've been to Germany um I studied there as well and after that I came to England yeah and I studied in England as well but when I was I was in England um I studied at University and I met here my husband yeah and that's what I've been with in England the South Coast but when I came to England um my mom became ill then she got cancer unfortunately and it was really tough because I was here in England and she was living in Slovakian and I think is many times people whom you know when we leave our country we think we can go for something better and so usually it is a hope for something better and so but then when something like this happen of a neon yeah when you kind of suddenly have something going on at home and you cannot just you know got in the car and drive down in an hour be at home or so it's always kind of set you anything that you think that you kind of almost think if you if you done if you made the right decision if it is all okay and so when my mom was amazing person when it comes to days she always supported me she always was you know after my dreams like yes yeah you know your code you go you you got to go really you know and so she wasn't somebody who would keep me at home and so yes yeah it wasn't easy but to be managed 40 years and luckily I was working um because I was working in school and I'm private and kind of education and so I said it was easy for me to go every six weeks really and um visit her and go home um and unfortunately the cancer return again and she lost her battle then it was very strange and very yeah very hard as well yeah so yeah that's so tough to like it's so tough to deal with grief and just having someone dealing with long-term illness in your family any kind of long-term illness where yeah you're having to travel backwards and forwards internationally that's it's just such an extra stress isn't it on an already difficult situation I'm sure and yeah to have to navigate that I can only imagine it's just it you just you're what you have to do you know yeah yeah that's what you have to do and then yeah that's what you just try and you just you just pray or really I mean I just pray that I would be able to do this you know um and yeah I was just grateful as well for this that I had the opportunity and that I could go every six weeks home so yeah but you went you weren't unfortunately able to be there in time passed away like she um yeah because because of the travel yes so that's that must have been really tough as well I can imagine um operation myself actually at the time and she passed away and and they are kind of my plan was that because my brother was done at home and well see he as well kind of moved it in away from Slovakia but then he came the last few weeks the last little weeks when mum was really bad and he came and he stayed there and I was hoping to go afterwards I was thinking okay I'll finish my University a year you know I'll go home and I will be there with her and look after her and so and the plan will stay there as I said I went every six weeks home in summer it was for longer because I could stay for longer it was long summer holidays and so but then so I was home in February and then I'm six weeks after I supposed to have my operation I already had a ticket home to go on Sunday and my operation is supposed to be on Friday and even my mom was like oh you know like you shouldn't probably travel you know like like parents obviously getting a little bit worried you know you shouldn't perhaps travel straight after operation and say I said no I don't want to marry I will be all fine and my brother is at home he can look after me as well you know and all this thing but I was like no it'll be all fine but you know we many times we plan and God has got different plans as well not everything is in our power as well and we cannot control everything that's true and so as I will stay um in hospital already and prepare for the operation now I was one obviously in this kind of hospital gown laying in a bed and so and I fall asleep you know and I know I got I'm okay because I had a dream like I could see Angel in my dream and I woke up and I was thinking oh for since like did I already have my operation also like I got why was it really like I don't even know how long I slept actually for uh so I reached for my phone and then as you have a phone usually sometimes the first align kind of the message and so and I could say there was a message from my brother and in certain mummies in common and I was oh no I kind of panicked I was I was even scared to open that message you know I was like hopefully I I didn't have operations looking at me like I think I'm still over at seven to Twilight and as I was there I in a bedroom I opened the phone actually opened the message and I've already done and I was a little bit kind of thinking irrationally as well because I was thinking what am I supposed to do like do I run away from hospital or like what like I don't even know what am I supposed to do I but I need to go home you know and so I told my husband and he luckily he was able to book me into the last plane and last the last yeah space actually and I'm playing the last second back home that day and um let's say I was thinking okay let's now just take a difference start shooting going rationally what you're going to do is that obviously I need to go to see somebody and I need to tell them so I did find a localism nurses and I did tell them what has happened and they were very actually very good because they were you know they were like oh like is there maybe like we could phone to hospital ones and I was like no it's actually not in this country you know I need to go home so they were like oh no I can't don't worry about it like the kind of a schedule of the operation for another day and some so I was like okay my husband came to pick me up and yeah we just drive home we packed quickly and he made me something to eat because and before the operation you don't you're not allowed to really eat anything and so so I was thinking okay yeah and I was thinking okay and you know your stomach kind of you don't really want to eat anything but then you feel like I probably should have something so I had some yeah something small to eat in mind for me and I just packed a clothes thinking you know I'm probably just going to die at a funeral really to say goodbye because what else is going to really happen there's not much so I packed my black clothes and everything mostly and we were driving to the airport and we go to there and I remember we had a bit of time and so we sent and my husband said okay I'm going to get some hot drinks and so he went to get asked something and I just know and then as he left um I had a phone call and he looked at me because my phone had just started to ring and they're looking at me and and that was my auntie and she just said I don't know unfortunately I yeah my man passed away I didn't manage to get there and so I just look at him he looked at me and I was just shaking my head saying no we just didn't I just didn't make it you know so it was the longest journey then home because I had to take a plan then train a Night Train you know and everything I was just thinking anyway it's almost it's almost like you don't really think this is actually really happening you don't really think you know you're like why yeah yeah it's really like being in a shock right like no I'm like no it's not like you know it's going to be okay like when I get there we'll be okay also okay the thing is it's not unfortunately so I go to home and I remember uh the next day actually or actually I'll say maybe the same day my brother actually asked me if I would like to go to scene where mama is kind of in the confidence so before the funeral you know and I said yeah of course I would like to go you know and I became there into this room and now my mom was lying and she kind of she smiled she really she was there with just my close eyes and somebody with a smile now and as I walked in and what I saw and I started now I shared it with a few people and I don't really know still what I'm supposed to think about it maybe it's a sign or so but I saw my mom always almost like like she'll lift and also like from like she's kind of sat there but like blinding yeah and and she just looked at me and she just said you know so right you you finally you're here and you know it's such a smile and then she back kind of glued back into the lying down position and I was just totally shocked because I was thinking I so much wanted to come here but now I'm like I'm I was really like almost like scared also I was thinking am I getting crazy like is it because I haven't really had any sleep is it because like I was going on like I was thinking like I and I just kind of ran it away from the place out and my brother was like you okay and I was like you know what I really don't like I I I don't know like I I don't really know what if I am okay you know what I should think about it's I said this to him I share it it's with him and then I was thinking I was actually saying this um quite recently to at therapist there and she said to me what do you think it kind of went and I was like you know that's what I'm kind of just trying to think all time myself really is that and then she said do you think in men Maybe like some sign you'll sign yourself and I said like I wonder if it was a sign maybe my mom knew that I obviously wanted to be there you know and now thinking that some of my family were actually they were them my brother his family and so on I wasn't there it was so really for me so that you just kind of beat yourself for this all the time you know you think why why I didn't come just a day earlier why just you know so I was thinking I wonder if he said was just saying her saying is okay you know it's it's all alright it's all all right as it is and you don't need to blame yourself yeah but this is a human we often you know we often blame ourselves things like this and I did blame myself feel guilty isn't it because um because you do make it in time but obviously there's nothing you can do it could have done in that case and in some ways it really feels like and a sort of like listening to your story it feels like God's Great Grace and handles on that situation even though it was really tough and really far away it's like the fact she didn't go into that operation when you know minutes earlier or something that that text came through just in time it was like kind of even though you didn't get that chance to say goodbye that I know you really wanted it's like God's grace was sort of there and he did let you go through the operation when you needed to fly home and see a mum and then that kind of whether that happened or it's just the mind I don't know but like that moment you had where you just felt like your mum's saying it's okay to you and you know that that piece like it's really good that you were able to get a little bit closure and it sort of feels like obviously it didn't unfold quite the way you wanted it to and it was disappointing that you didn't get say goodbye face to face but also yeah that feels like kind of like the next best thing like I really needed it to put a lovely you know so yeah even though it's kind of like scared when I didn't know what what should I think about already you know but then I think now actually with the time and I think yeah I probably needed it I probably just needed to kind of say you know it's all fun it's all okay you don't need to blame yourself right you know because because we often do people because you know things like this happen and we always kind of ask things like you know what could I do still you know I could do this different if I just do this you know or whatever so we often do kind of um blame our herself when it comes yeah when you live into grief um yeah I can say it's blaming and even shame really you know and all these things so uh yes yeah but I think now as I think about old age you know I as well uh it was quite hard obviously when my mom passed away and uh but it was so hard actually to you know my now my husband actually uh then we were still kind of dating to get in so but I I didn't want to even to get married you know for for a while after days I was just thinking no I don't want to because I couldn't imagine no to how my mom there you know like obviously every girl or I know when they get married the kind of having your mom then you know my father passed away as well but then as I said they were divorced and so uh so I wanted to help my mom there obviously and for a while I was really thinking I will never get married and then you know I I met somebody actually a friend of a friend I think uh well said um and she was going to get married then and I and she kind of asked me if like oh would you go and so and I was like you know I said to her like I probably would never get married because I said to her what has happened in there and she said to me but you know she said to me something about who really kind of hates me she said to them now imagine you would say this to your man because she passed away or she departing and she's not anymore in pain because she liked you you're not going to get married like how would she feel if you would say this to her and I was then thinking oh gosh I would never say this to my mom like I would break her heart you know I could not just like have my mom here in front of me and saying to her like ma'am I know you're not in pain now anymore I know you're not suffering now anymore but because you liked me I'm not going to get married I was like oh gosh I would never be able to say this to her you know so I said to her you know I never was actually thinking this way did yes yeah you are right obviously I I would never be able to say this to my mom and then I think if I like both what I didn't say to my mom I'm wondering what she says back to me obviously she would want me to get married she would want me to still continue in my life to be happy and so you know so and that was another thing what I just did after this site you know I think my mom will be happy for me if I would get married so then we just yeah eight years ago we got married definitely that's it's your anniversary this week as well you're saying like yeah I think you're so right though because it's I think grief is such a tricky thing to process isn't it and it takes time and it can make you feel so emotional and can really change your perspective but actually I I think that's really insightful because it's like those who leave us you know um you know I kind of think those of us who are left behind the best tribute to those we've lost is to continue to live our lives fully and you know I think that about people I've lost I think the best way to honor them is to live the best life I can you know because I still get to be here you know and it is not like because you know the first actually I was thinking as well no is it not like then like I I didn't like my mom or I didn't like my mom because I would want to enjoy my life also but actually it's not because yet they would want to do this so actually you know they would want us to do this uh so I think and as well grief is you know grief is not like located my mom passed away I agreed and now it's all fine grief is not like this grave comes you know the time comes when when suddenly you want to cry and then just cry yeah it's fine you know it is okay quick now we should just allow yourself as well as your emotions and so you know I mean as long as you don't stuck in days really then then you know God give us emotions for a reason I always say so so and I think that's okay to feel whatever you feel because because this is all the way to heal them you know if you don't allow ourselves to really to feel those emotions and we're just surprised all the time then we never really get really the healing you know how do you want to be home if you just don't allow yourself you know to do this so and I went through this I eventually it's lost in my through this myself really because yeah as you say there have been so many things in my life I am my mom and then obviously my accident as well we probably were going to talk now as well that was another thing really um because I think I'm until then I was trying to just anything what happened in my life I was just you know going to go like oh it's okay you know I saw my mom and she was like always copied everything she was the fighter really person and even a cancer didn't break her the first time and then I was like you know she was and I was like always want to be like her but then you know later kind of not just like you know we never can have at home talk about for example about Trial now so we would talk about faith she would bring us to fade into and God and so but we will never like you know even those things are still sometimes I think taboo like mental health trauma and stuff you know and so first after my accident like two months after when I hint um when I was diagnosed with PTSD and so um first then I actually also really thinking I need to heal but but maybe I actually need to heal from everything really because um you know my accident so yeah I was just talking actually about it briefly yeah tell us a little bit more about what happened because you had a road accident in 2020 you were involved in a serious current event I mean actually almost cost me a life at the time so tell us a little bit more about that and how that affected you and then we'll talk more generally pick up again on that that whole theme of like healing from trauma and let you know the impact on your mental health but yeah just just attract a little bit and tell us a little bit about 20 times yeah what a year ago really for everybody you're probably a year not to forget really and yeah just yeah just when I was thinking okay any worse than you you know it's coming towards the end so yeah just a few weeks before to end yeah just really came then uh yeah I was going home from work and I only lay flying around 10 minutes from my work so I was walking I was walking and as I was crossing around um a car hit me I finally hit me and I just live on the ground obviously lying on the ground and I even remember kind of in my mind I was just kind of saying to myself just get up just get down but I couldn't I could not even move for it like so um then again it's the Silver Lining save it again God thank you I usually because there was a lockdown so my husband also really just 10 minutes away or five or so but it happened uh so somebody went um because there was a witness as well so somebody went to get actually my husband um and and then uh and yeah my husband came and in the hospital and uh yeah the hospital cursed ambulance came and all these things and I unfortunately I had to go to hospital by myself and not with him because of lockdown and so on uh so and he took me to hospital I had all the scans and everything and they did actually figure out that I had a fraction I have a fractured my back so I first couldn't move at all and then later on I was on at the walking frame is the other walking frame and a week later actually I was on crutches and all those first time on crutches and there was physio occupational therapies and we were kind of going doing these exercises you know teaching you how to walk with crutches and all this thing and I know I was coming back towards my bed and there was a big window in front of me and I looked it out of the window and I could say the traffic I could see the ambulances yeah and one's cars and I just stood there and I couldn't even move you know like frozen I just stood I was in my mind back then you know where it was all happening and so and uh yeah the Tariff is like not convention it's like are you okay and then she asked this I just broke into tears and she obviously knew what is going on um I kind of did have my first flashback and this is a shame uh she said to me you know let's go to your bed and we close the curtains inside she said so what I was like well have you seen outside and she's like yeah and I was like I'm using the car and she said yeah so I was like you're what about Carl's birthday and I was like yeah ambulance cousin I was in the ambulance when I got here you know so it was really I was like I was back a day and everything and I was thinking I'm getting crazy like I I'm just I don't know what is happening to me I'm getting crazy and yeah and express you know she said to me almost like I was so lucky to be honest like God send me those people in my way really for a reason because she said to me don't worry you know that's kind of almost as if as if they just kind of expected that something like this would happen you know so she said to me don't worry uh you know um it was just really met all the time uh you know and you are you know this is just a normal reaction this is totally normal reactions nothing wrong with you and so and then luckily I had a pastoral care in hospital as well I'm very good pastoral care as well at least who came and we talked but really you know me coming through all this drama in my life it felt like the accident was like the cherry on the top and it just like opened a Pandora box and suddenly everything just started to fly around you know all the traumatic things I eventually just started to fly and so I as I like in Slovakia I wanted to study journalism and I used to write in Slovakian so I haven't been doing so since I left country and I lived obviously in Germany first and in England and so I I didn't do any writing on anything kind of been doing anything like this now being there in a hospital by yourself in lockdown you know with a head blank days I was thinking go do you know what I really don't care just give me paper and pen and I need to empty my head and that's what I did and that's why so much now writing and talking and speaking actually and writing about is so much about how writing can help us with a healing because I honestly think you know I'm so grateful that we have something like writing into that we can empty our head on paper and so because I just wonder you know not not being able to have visited nothing being there by yourself I was really grateful I could just take a pen and paper and empty my head and totally and just actually writing was therapy for me then yeah and see and that's and that's basically where your blog and like all the work you've been doing since then started from I mean it's amazing really because I'm I'm a massive like advocate for like writing as therapy as well like I've done it with my own miscarriage journey and I I highly recommend journaling or blogging to anyone who's struggling with any area of emotional stress Life Changes mental health issues anything it's such a great therapeutic tool isn't it something that anyone can do you don't have to put your thoughts on the internet you can just put them in a journal but like it's such a great tool to use yeah I'm a big advocate for it too and I know it's been a a massive benefit for you and now you encourage other people to do it as well and then you know yeah everyone has happened to me I mean I also felt so great as I said so grateful having all these people around me um because yeah having all this help and so because you know I was yeah seeing my mom and so you know and it's probably as well because of the culture yeah the culture and mental health as well you know my mom grew up in Slovakia we used to be a communist country so what was almost kind of people it was not okay almost kind of like stand up out of the Cure kind of like you know you need to be like all uniform and everything kind of uniform and stuff so I don't even know really um if my mom yeah even if she would ask for help about herself if they're like what services would be available or nothing like this really I mean even even we know like probably even six days whatever years ago was had probably everywhere anyway to get anything like this you know 50 years and so so uh yeah uh but I was actually really yeah really grateful um that I had to help and then yeah I was two months after my accident didn't diagnosed with PTSD because um you know flashbacks still persisted and everything really was there and I started to have anxiety because you know as much as I wanted to go home from um from the hospital I wasn't as well I felt so safe you know being amongst these four walls and you know there's nothing is going to happen to your day you're just like yeah my nurses you have a doctor's day you have everything and it's kind of like for me it was like the the system you know it can just protect me really like I don't want to go outside and so yes yeah honestly you know I get the cotton involvement I don't want to go out and you know like that's what that's where I got hurt and that that's where all this happened you know uh but then I wanted to go home as well to my husband obviously it sounds like and I do want to and then and then you go on some stage you go like you know I don't want this fear really to take control over my life neither like yes yeah I know it was dead and I know how hard it was still you know because what days but I don't want it or is there any way trauma took so much away from my life and I and I cannot allow it to control everything in my life you know so I was just like no if we can like I cannot really do this so I slowly had to go in and kind of back to him as well first first I got very kind of dependent my on my husband because obviously it was locked down as well and all this thing and he was at home uh saying I was working mostly from home and he was dead always to support me and so and then I almost lost my Independence so yeah I I really got dependent on him and then I was like and I actually would like to go by myself but revoke and so but firstly as well don't trust yourself but then you know yeah obviously you you read the Bible you read everything and you notice and you know kind of give anxiety and all on the code but as well having PTSD is not exactly just straight because having PTSD is actually a brain injury so if you think that your brain cannot really work in that way you're probably not going to think as you would otherwise like you see how of course and give my anxiety to God and all these things or if you cannot really think that so clearly then it is really I think first you need as well you need obviously God but you need to heal as well and you need people around you and it's the support Circle and everything yeah so I yeah I was going to take in the end I was just like you know God I give you a hand and slowly like let's just step by step you know because as well I think making a big step or so is damaging as well especially for people who go trans step by step you know baby steps now I'll be fine I'll just hold your hand and I'll be fine and that's kind of how how is it actually until now still really yeah and so you've had you've obviously been doing your writing um as an ongoing project and encouraging others to do it and you've had lots of cancer yeah and you know you had professional mental health support yes and it's been a real journey and it's been a real journey but you know obviously you're not still in that place and you have really you know move forwards and kind of get your license together now and that's that's incredible and and to be recommended and and like it definitely feels like what I love about your story is the fact that you're you don't shy away from the fact that it's a process that healing isn't necessarily instant yeah but you know it takes time and like say baby steps baby steps baby steps and yes you know it is a journey but you are amazing forward it's obviously a physical and mental and I'm still in recovery and bored for bold really I I'm still in pain and so and you know and now I've got chronic pain and saying liver chronic pain is another thing you know um so yes yeah it has been a journey and it still is and and I always say healing is a journey you know and healing is so many things from different people you know I am brought an ebook actually I try my survivor's guide and outside that that really what is healing like are we ever able to heal not yes yeah but what is healing healing can be healing is so subjective it is really for different people something different you know some people just get out on the bed and so it's just amazing step forward and some people like but I have to have a less flashbacks or nightmare sense it's already you know so it's really about managing symptoms managing the things and yeah and it it is so really uh you know grief is a healing is a journey and it really is and it's never really even you know just like this no I had a setbacks on the way you know along the way I hit a setbacks yeah it is but I mean trust God I I do trust God I always say my fate and I think my positivity called me but I am now and I don't know what to advice and you know my mom used to always say actually everything happens for a reason you know and at first kind of when she said it to me and she also then having a consent so I first was like no man why do you say this like why would somebody who is ill and so saying something like this like why you know and now I can I I go like yeah you know and everything happens for a reason you know if like there is a silver lining in everything I saying you know and sometimes is it hard to find it and and it is okay you know is as well for me like the practice for example every night with my husband gratitude since by accident we're doing this every night and every night we're trying to find things here grateful for but then I as well know today is not always like it's not something it has to be forced as well sometimes you feel just like in this like God it is hard and it is hard you know and and I think and I think God wants us to you know as it says come to me as you are so he doesn't want to answer I guess my blog comes your nails manly as well and I'm like all the smiley things and I always kind of my mom used to call me smiley and they even in hospital said to fit Smiley because I was always smiling and say you know and then you're like but then my my turnup is actually said to me uh catch it is okay not to be okay you know and I and I really had to learn this and you know I I think as well so is the Gratitude like I find it really really like helpful but as well I know it is something that should not be really forced and so I mean like everything takes time you know and it's and it's better to give yourself time as well because like I said in hospital when I open this pen yeah when this Pandora unbox it open because before I was always just trying to okay something happened okay just let's put it here I'll just put it behind like you know well you it is not really we do need to feel in order to heal so you know which is just be yeah that's right and I guess if you if you've grown up in a culture that um doesn't really acknowledge mental health and doesn't really allow much space for feelings and variational feelings and it's like you know it's it's quite a big lesson I guess that isn't it and it's like it's great to always be like happy but also that that idea that's okay not to be okay sometimes there's actually a really big deal to learn about exactly thinking uh yeah uh tend to actually yeah there's like like the Bible says actually uh for power is made perfect in weakness you know so I think it's not just about really but it doesn't mean it always should just really be strong and so you know so it's yeah it is just come as you are and God says so yeah and then just let you let yourself feeling those feel those feelings and acknowledge your feelings in the self because as I say if you want to heal you need to feel yeah yeah I love that because I was just gonna finish by asking you what's kind of one lesson that you've learned through all of this and I suppose that you'd probably say that's it wouldn't you that it's okay to admit your weekend weakness your Brokenness and and your your need for God and that actually it's like when we're weak then God's strength is able to work through us so I guess would you say that's something big lesson I'm going through it and you know God doesn't really want United to put yourself always last as well I think there's an adolescent I learned like I said yeah all those things but as well I was always thinking I had to put myself or else kind of like I have to serve God I have to serve I do since then God wants me to do all this and so but you know you cannot really pull from an empty Camp you know as they say so you really do need to look after yourself and say oh your body is your temple is the temple so you don't need it as well and go definitely doesn't want you to put yourself lost and so you know and yeah so I think all those things are still learning some of the things still and sometimes it takes a long time but yeah yeah learning all my life I think we're all learning this yeah I think all these lessons are kind of lifelong for most of us actually but yeah it's so true it's so true that we you can't give out what you don't have do you so you know it's so important to look after you and your own mental health and yeah I think that ties up quite neatly Katie it's it's been so lovely to hear a bit about your story I'm so sorry that you know you've been doing things it's so inspiring exactly and it's so inspiring to hear your journey and how you're not defeated but actually you're using you know your story for good you're sharing it with others and you know I know there's so much more in your story that we probably haven't got time to cover here and now but if listeners are interested in what you've been talking about around grief processing around PTSD around mental health I know it will resonate with some of our listeners and if people want to find you find out more about your story and about the resources you you want and it's actually a journey I'll explain it's major need it's a journey of Hope and healing and so yeah you know and as I say always encourage you know vulnerability and all these things or really just you know acknowledge your feelings and everything and that's what I write about as well and I uh yeah my email is finally in jordanialsfamily.com all the website is General Smiley and all my Instagram and all the social all yeah things are Janelle Smiley so yeah Facebook and stuff but as well for um yeah if if anybody really you know if you want to share your story also I'm always feeling and I'm always grateful to every drama survivors you know for sharing their stories because I think there's the message and they said you know you're not alone and so on weekend and say as well tell the other people that they are not alone and so yeah as well today I do a lot of the bio journaling and so and you'll find it on my website as well I got a journaling teams and proms to download if anybody needs but as well I go to and I just actually I did right I don't know if you can see it so yeah I need to publish a guide in the seven keys to self-healing and drama survivors guide uh so what I actually write what I learn is is my experience by knowledge but as well discussions fit and um you know with the therapies with the with the health professionals and sales so you yeah I I just hope it helps other people as well that sounds awesome what a great resource well loads of great resources there actually so find you in all the places at journey of smiley and Jenny and smiley.com for the website I guess we're social handles are there anyway and with just to say to listeners we will link to all of these links through the show notes as well on our website Katie thank you so much for giving up the time and sharing about yourself it's been so great to hear it really helped and you know until it helps your listeners and yeah I hope everybody finds something for them in this I'm sure it will and if anybody wants to link with Katie and it should be happy to link with you one-on-one and chat some more so thank you so much Katie and thank you listeners for being here today too and just like that we have reached the end of another fascinating conversation now remember to check out crowdchurch www.crowd.church even if you might not see the point of church you see we are a digital Church on a quest to discover how Jesus can help us live a more meaningful life we are a community a space to explore the Christian faith and a place where you can contribute and grow and you are welcome at crowd Church don't forget to subscribe to the what's the story podcast on your favorite podcast app because we've got a treasure Trove of inspiring stories coming your way and we would basically hate for you to miss any of them and just in case no one has told you yet today remember you are awesome yes you are created awesome it's just a burden you have to bear what's the story is a production of crowd Church a fantastic team including Anna Kettle Seraph bainon and me Edmondson and Tanya Hudson work behind the scenes tirelessly to bring you all these fabulous stories our theme song is a creative work of Josh Edmondson and if you're interested in the transcript or show notes head over to our website what's the storypodcast.com and whilst you're there sign up for our free Weekly Newsletter to get all of this goodness delivered straight to your inbox so that's it from all of us this week here at what's the story thank you so much for joining us have a fantastic week wherever you are in the world we'll catch you next time bye for now foreign