Building Relationships For Spiritual Growth

Why You Can't Grow Spiritually on Your Own

In a world where you can stream a thousand sermons without leaving your sofa, it's easy to convince yourself that spiritual growth is a solo project. John Harding walks us through Acts 20 and makes a compelling case that it's anything but. Christianity, he argues, has always been relational — and trying to develop your faith in isolation is like trying to learn a language with no one to talk to.

The early church wasn't built on podcasts and online courses. It was built on people doing life together, and Acts 20 shows us exactly what that looked like.

Paul Never Travelled Alone

One of the first things John points out is something easy to miss. As Paul journeys through Macedonia and Greece, he's not going solo. Acts 20:4 lists the people travelling with him — Sopater, Aristarchus, Secundus, Gaius, Timothy, Tychicus, Trophimus, and of course Luke, who's writing the whole thing down.

Paul, arguably the greatest church planter in history, didn't do it alone. He invested in people as he went. He walked through life with others.

The question John puts to us is a good one. If someone were to write a list of the people you're journeying through life with — the ones you're genuinely investing in, not just bumping into at the school gate — who would be on it?

The Power of Encouragement

Verse 1 tells us Paul "encouraged the disciples." Verse 2 says he travelled through the area "speaking many words of encouragement to the people." This wasn't a footnote to his ministry — it was the backbone of it.

John makes a practical challenge here. If someone were to do an audit of your speech — the things you actually say to the people around you — would it be characterised by encouragement and blessing? Or by discouragement and complaining?

Building good relationships, he suggests, starts with a decision to invest more into others than you take from them. Not in a performative way, but in the simple daily choice to speak words of life rather than drain the room.

We Learn More Through Imitation Than Information

When Paul gathers the Ephesian church leaders at Miletus, he says something striking. "You have seen how I lived when I was with you" (Acts 20:18).

Not "you have heard what I taught." Not "you have read my letters." You have seen how I lived.

John lands on this as one of the most important principles in the passage. In the Christian faith, we learn more through imitation than information. It's not about how much someone knows — it's about how they live. How their faith shows up on a Tuesday afternoon, not just a Sunday evening.

Which raises an uncomfortable question. What lessons are people learning from you, not from your words, but from the way you actually live your life?

Lead Yourself First

Paul's words to the Ephesian leaders in verse 28 are pointed. "Keep watch over yourselves and all the flock."

Note the order. Yourselves first, then the flock.

John identifies this as the first level of leadership — self-leadership. And it's the one most often neglected. We've all seen leaders who can seemingly lead organisations into growth and impact, only to discover later that they hadn't been keeping watch over themselves at all.

Leadership starts with leading yourself well. If you can't do that, everything else is built on sand.

Stay Connected to the Flock

Paul then warns about "savage wolves" who attack the flock (Acts 20:29). John is quick to say this isn't something to be frightened of — Jesus is the Good Shepherd who guards and watches over us. But it is a warning.

The sheep most vulnerable to the wolf isn't the one in the middle of the flock. It's the one that wandered off. The one that got disconnected.

And sheep are prone to wander. That's what they do.

John lists the things that pull us away from community. Offence. Church hurt. Pride. Unforgiveness. Consumerism and preference — the idea that church should cater to our tastes rather than challenge our character.

Any of those things can quietly disconnect us from the flock. And a disconnected sheep is easy pickings.

Grace-Fuelled Effort, Not Permanent Sabbath

John finishes with a challenge that goes against the grain of much modern Western Christianity. Paul grafted. He worked with incredible energy and devotion. Not to earn God's favour — his effort flowed out of his relationship with Jesus and the grace at work in his life.

John's concern is honest. He wonders whether we've swung the pendulum too far. Previous generations perhaps overworked and burnt out in ministry. But now, he says, we've "discovered Sabbath" to the point where some Christians seem to be on a permanent sabbath rest — and any expectation of effort or service feels like an imposition.

What we see in Acts is different. The early church was energised, sacrificial, and relational. They didn't rest instead of working — they rested in order to work well. The joy came from being part of something bigger than themselves.

What This Looks Like for Us

• Name your list. Who are the people you're genuinely journeying with? Not acquaintances — the ones you're investing in and who invest in you. If the list is short, that's worth paying attention to.

• Do the speech audit. This week, notice whether your words to others are mostly encouraging or mostly complaining. Adjust accordingly.

• Find your flock. If you've drifted from community — whether through hurt, busyness, or just laziness — take one step back this week. Join a group, reach out to someone, show up.

• Check your self-leadership. Before worrying about leading or influencing anyone else, ask yourself honestly — am I keeping watch over my own life? My habits, my attitudes, my relationship with God?

• Put your faith to work. Not to earn anything, but because grace produces energy, not passivity. Where could you serve, encourage, or invest in someone this week?

Something to Sit With

Paul knew this might be the last time he'd see these leaders. His words weren't casual — they were intentional, weighted with urgency and love. And at the heart of everything he said was this: faith was never meant to be a solo project.

Who could you encourage this week — and who might you need to let encourage you?