Jesus the Revolutionary

Marriage, Singleness and Your Worth in Christ

18 October 2026· Dave Connolly

Culture keeps selling us the same lie, that somewhere out there is a person who will finally complete us. This week, Dave Connolly looks at Matthew 19, where Jesus answers a question about marriage by going back to God's original design. We see that marriage is covenant rather than a consumer contract, singleness is a gift rather than a waiting room, and your worth is never defined by your relationship status.

The Lie That Someone Out There Will Complete You

We live in a culture that is fascinated by romance. Films, love songs, social media, dating apps, all of it fuelled by the same idea that somewhere out there is the person who will complete you. Find the right one, fall in love, get married, and everything will be all right.

Dave Connolly wanted to challenge that this week. He is 69, married to Julie for 47 years, and he has pastored people through the best and the hardest seasons of married life. His asked what happens when romance isn't enough? When marriage doesn't cure the loneliness, when things get hard, when the excitement fades, or when you are single and it feels like everyone else has started living while you wait?

The heart of it is that we can receive relationships as a wonderful, gracious gift without them becoming the source of our identity, our security, or our salvation. They were never designed to do that.

What Jesus Actually Said About Marriage in Matthew 19

When Jesus is questioned about marriage and divorce in Matthew 19, he leads people back to creation and God's original design.

Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate. (Matthew 19:6)

Marriage, in other words, is far more than romantic feeling. It involves covenant, commitment, faithfulness and sacrificial love. Our culture often nudges us to treat relationships like a consumer contract instead. If it makes me happy, I'll stay. If it gets difficult, I'll leave. But that cheapens the whole thing, because every relationship worth having has to be worked at, invested in, understood.

Dave pushed back on a line he keeps hearing, "I have the right to be happy." We all want to be happy, but to call it a right is worth questioning. Jesus calls us to something deeper than the pursuit of personal happiness. He calls us to faithfulness. So the question is not only "am I happy?" but "am I becoming more like Jesus in the way that I love?"

When Faithfulness Does Not Mean Staying in Harm

Faithfulness does not mean ignoring abuse. Nor does it mean excusing betrayal or staying in dangerous circumstances. Those situations need real wisdom, proper protection and good pastoral care, not a sermon about endurance.

Dave speaks about marriage breakdown as someone who knows the pain of it, both as a pastor and within his own family. So when he talks about faithfulness, he is not papering over anyone's wounds. He is describing the ordinary, unglamorous work of two imperfect people learning to love through Jesus, where you forgive rather than ignore, listen when it would be easier to argue, serve when you would rather be served, and choose humility when pride wants to win. As he put it, you can win the argument and lose the relationship.

And that is the picture Jesus gives us. Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her (Ephesians 5:25). Not love talked about, but love shown, on our worst day and our best. There are three people in a Christian marriage, and Christ should be right at the centre of it.

Singleness Is a Gift, Not a Waiting Room

Jesus does not teach that you must be married to live a full life. In Matthew 19 he says plainly that not everyone will marry, and Paul later writes that singleness can be a gift that frees you for undivided devotion to the Lord (1 Corinthians 7:32-35).

Yet church culture often communicates the opposite, treating singleness as a waiting room for Mr or Mrs Right to arrive. Dave called that a massive mistake.

Your value is not determined by whether somebody has chosen you romantically. Your value is found in Christ.

Dave Connolly

Then, from decades of praying with people longing for a partner, he said, "nobody is better than anybody, because anybody can be the wrong body." If you are single, you are not incomplete. You do not need to wait for marriage before you can serve God, build real community and make your contribution. Your life is not on hold until that person comes along. Live for Jesus today.

Church as a Family That Makes Room

If you are married, the flip side is just as important. Single Christians are not outsiders looking in. They are brothers and sisters with gifts and callings, not people in a holding pattern. Marriage is not an achievement that qualifies you to function in church, and we need to stop measuring people's lives by their relationship status. As Romans 12:5 reminds us, we are one body in Christ, members one of another.

Do we make room for people who live alone? Do we offer friendship and hospitality? Do we encourage relationships right across the generations? Do we create opportunities for everyone to serve and grow? In Conversation Street, Anna described a season in her twenties living in a shared house of single adults, several of whom came to faith, a depth of everyday discipleship she simply couldn't have now. Dave called it making room at the table. We invite people because of who they are, not to represent a category. Community is how loneliness loses its grip.

Keep Christ at the Centre So No Gift Becomes an Idol

Marriage is a wonderful gift, but it is not our ultimate destination. Singleness can be a beautiful, fruitful gift, but it is not our ultimate identity. Jesus says that in the resurrection people will neither marry nor be given in marriage (Matthew 22:30). Our earthly relationships matter deeply, and they also point beyond themselves to something greater.

That is why Dave was so direct about the danger. Marriage is a gift from God, but it can very easily become an idol. So can children. So can a future spouse. Any good gift, if Christ is not kept at the centre, slowly takes his place. Your husband cannot be your saviour. Your wife cannot be your saviour. He remembered a woman in marriage prep years ago who said, in effect, "he's a mess now, but once we're married I'll sort him out." A recipe for disaster, and a heavy burden to lay on another human being.

When Christ is at the centre, something loosens. We are free to love people without asking them to be our God. And for anyone who has been hurt or disappointed, Jesus does not promise that every relationship will satisfy our deepest longings. He offers something greater, himself.

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. (Matthew 11:28)

Christ Is Enough

In the best marriage, the worst marriage or a struggling marriage, Christ is enough. And if you are struggling, that is not a verdict on you, it is a prompt to get some input and ask for help. There is nothing so broken that God can't redeem.

Your relationship status does not determine your worth. Your past does not have to define your future. Your loneliness does not determine your identity, and your future does not have the final word. So look to Jesus, trust Jesus, and build your life around him, because he is the one you can depend on, on your best day and your worst.

This was part of our series Jesus the Revolutionary. Whether you have followed him for years or you are just curious and looking in from the edge, you are genuinely welcome here. Come and join the conversation at crowd.church, and if you have questions about faith, our Alpha Course runs online on Wednesday evenings. No pressure, no wrong questions, just a safe place to ask.

Notes

Ever felt like life doesn't really start until you've found the one, or that a wedding ring would finally fix the loneliness? This one is about that.

About this episode

We are continuing the Jesus the Revolutionary series, and this week Dave Connolly looks at what Jesus actually says about marriage and singleness in Matthew 19:1-12. Dave takes on the cultural lie that someone out there will complete us, and walks through why relationships are a gift rather than the source of our identity, security or salvation. The hard stuff is here too, marriage breakdown, divorce, the pressure single Christians often feel, with a clear caveat that faithfulness never means tolerating abuse. Hosts Matt Edmundson and Anna pick it up afterwards in Conversation Street, with three generations of marriage in the room.

Timestamps

00:00 Welcome to Crowd Church
05:03 The talk begins, When Romance Isn't Enough
05:27 Matthew 19 and God's design for marriage
08:31 Marriage is covenant, not a consumer contract
10:30 The question isn't "am I happy" but "am I becoming like Jesus"
12:56 Christ loved the church, sacrificial love (Ephesians 5)
15:43 Singleness and undivided devotion (1 Corinthians 7)
16:32 Your value is found in Christ, not your relationship status
19:09 Church as family, making room at the table
22:30 Marriage points to Christ and the church
24:00 Don't ask a person for what only Jesus can give
26:23 Come to me, all who are weary (Matthew 11:28)
26:54 Christ is enough
28:25 Conversation Street begins
31:41 Is there really just one person for you?
36:15 Matt's word-of-knowledge story
37:30 Married "with the exit sign lit up", divorce and grace
44:00 Picking up singleness
45:14 The loneliness question
46:55 Anna on a fruitful season of singleness
54:22 What does the Bible say about dating?
59:37 Wrap and Live Lounge

Key references

Matthew 19:1-12, Jesus questioned about marriage and divorce, pointing back to God's original design (the main passage)
Matthew 19:6, "what God has joined together, let no one separate"
Ephesians 5:25-32, Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, marriage as a picture of Christ and the church
1 Corinthians 7:32-35, singleness and the opportunity it gives for undivided devotion to the Lord
Romans 12:5, we are one body in Christ and individually members one of another
Matthew 22:30, "in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage"
Matthew 11:28, "Come to me, all you who labour and are heavy burdened, and I will give you rest"

Quotes from the talk

"Your value is not determined by whether somebody has chosen you romantically. Your value is found in Christ." — Dave Connolly

"Nobody is better than anybody, because anybody can be the wrong body." — Dave Connolly

"There's three people in a Christian marriage, Christ should be right at the centre of it." — Dave Connolly

Conversation Street highlights

Where the talk ends and the real conversation begins.

There were three generations of marriage round the table, Dave at 47 years with Julie, Matt at 28 with Sharon, and Anna at 13 and a half with Andy. Matt and Sharon actually did their marriage prep with Dave and Julie, and Matt reckons marriage prep is the single best thing you can do before you marry.

The first big question was whether there is just "the one". Anna does not buy it, she doesn't think God's plan for our lives is that narrow, and she pointed to how redeeming he is across the choices people make. She married at 33 and is pretty sure it would not have worked at 21, because both she and Andy were too immature then, so timing and maturity matter. Matt added a nuance, there may not be one single person you are destined to marry, but once you are married there is only one person to be married to. You choose one, and you act like it. He told the story of a men's meeting where he sensed God flag that someone was having an affair, and the man later told him "God told me the affair's okay because I married the wrong person." Matt's point was simple, God is not going to okay something he has clearly said is wrong.

A lot of the conversation sat with divorce and grace. Dave remembered a divorced woman wondering whether she could ever marry again, and his answer was that God is gracious and kind and does not want us living under judgment. Matt put his own theology plainly, don't get divorced, but if you have, God's grace and redemption are still there and you are not shut out of church life. As he said, there is nothing so broken that God can't redeem. Both of them were careful to carry the caveat that if someone is being abused, the first thing is to get safe.

They were honest that almost anything in a marriage is fixable, but it takes both people wanting to work at it. That lifts the shame off anyone who has been trying to carry it alone, one person working hard cannot fix it on their own. Anna shared how she and Andy saw a Christian therapist through a season of grief and baby loss, and how it helped not just that season but every season since. The encouragement that kept coming back was to get support early, be humble and ask for help at the first bump in the road rather than waiting for crisis point.

Singleness got proper airtime too, not as a footnote to the marriage chat. Anna was single through most of her 20s and felt the pressure, from family wanting grandkids and the sense as a woman that time was ticking, and a good deal of it came from Christians who treated marriage as the ultimate goal. What changed things was getting her attitude right, trusting God with the timing and asking what she could do now rather than pining for what she did not yet have. It became a season of real fruitfulness. She lived in a shared house with seven or eight other single adults, several of whom became Christians and are still walking with God, and she named a depth of discipleship and proximity you cannot have once you are married. Intentionality was the word she kept coming back to. Dave and Julie modelled the other side of it, always having single people round after church, not to "represent the singles" but because of who they are, making room at the table.

The last question was about dating "according to the Bible". Dave drew out the very different ancient culture, the move from a man making inroads to betrothal, then preparing a room at his father's house until the father said it was ready, which ties into the second coming and Jesus preparing a place for us. Anna was clear that dating is a modern construction but still valuable, as long as it is done with boundaries, purpose, intentionality, prayerfully, honouring the other person, and with accountability to people you trust. Dave added the Bible's steer about not being unequally yoked, a Christian and a non-Christian will hit real issues, and Anna rounded it off with the observation that you can be unequally yoked even as two Christians, through plain incompatibility. The takeaway they landed on, you are not defined by your relationship status, married or single.