When the Shame Won't Let You Stop Hiding

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Thank you very much. Yeah, it's good to be back, everybody. Welcome back after the summer break. Um, really, really, really good to be here. I just feel like we've— it's been a bit of a— it's been 5 weeks, hasn't it? And so, um, warm welcome to you if you're new here to Crowd. Um, my name is Matt, one of the team along with Anna and Dan, who you've met. Um, and so yeah, today we're going to be looking at a story that unfolds across all 4 Gospels. And, um, I say it like that because there aren't that many stories that do unfold across all 4 Gospels in as much detail as this one. It's a story about Peter. And this story starts, uh, where Jesus and his disciples are eating together, uh, just before Jesus is going to be arrested. And Jesus tells Peter that things are going to get bad. So let's read some scripture. He says, uh, if my— there we go, my scripture thing works. Uh, Peter said to him, Lord, I am ready to— oh, hang on, let me get on the right slide. There we go. Lord, I am ready to go with you both to prison And to death. And Jesus said, I tell you, Peter, the rooster will not crow this day until you deny 3 times that you know me, that you deny 3 times that you know me. And Peter said to him, even if I must die with you, I will not deny you. And All the disciples said the same thing. All of them said the same thing. There's some pretty bold statements here, aren't there? You can hear both the desire and the testosterone in their answer. Uh, it's very, very much, you know, male bravado, isn't there? And there's surety in what they say. Well, Jesus is arrested in the Garden of Gethsemane just a few hours later, and he's brought initially to a high priest's house.

a high priest's house. Say it properly. And whilst Jesus is being questioned inside, Peter's story continues outside in a courtyard that is part of the high priest's property. So he's got a property, and in that property is a courtyard. Jesus is inside being questioned, and Peter is outside. Okay. And so now the servants and officers had— let me put my glasses on. I can read what it says. So now the servants and officers had made a charcoal fire because it was cold, and they were standing and warming themselves. And Peter also was with them, standing and warming himself. One of the servant girls of the high priest came, and she looked at him and said, you also were with the Nazarene Jesus. But he denied it. Peter denied it, saying, I neither know nor understand what you mean. And after a little while, someone else saw him and said, You also are one of them. And Peter said, Man, I am not! And after a little while, the bystanders again said to Peter, Certainly you are one of them, for you are a Galilean. But he began to invoke a curse on himself, to swear, I do not know this man of whom you speak. And immediately, while he was still speaking, the rooster crowed. And the Lord turned and looked at Peter. And Peter remembered the saying of Jesus, before the rooster crows, you will deny me 3 times. And he went out and wept bitterly. Wow. So, You all right?

So Peter goes out, and this is sort of a mashup of the story across all the 4 Gospels. Okay, so if you're following along going, my mind doesn't quite say that, across all the 4 Gospels, that's the mashup of this sort of incredibly sad moment, especially for Peter. And I think it's a heartbreaking story that we need to unpack. So we're going to go through it, and we're going to try and put ourselves in the courtyard of that high priest's house. So we're in Jerusalem, and it's spring, and it gets really cold at night. And John describes this charcoal fire in the middle of a courtyard, and its coals are glowing red hot, and you can smell the charcoal. And Peter is stood there with the servants and the guards, and he holds out his hands to the heat in the fire. And in Peter's mind, I think he's He's kind of thinking, I shouldn't really be here, because an hour before, Peter had swung his sword, right, at a man who came to arrest Jesus and took off one of their ears. This was Peter's testosterone working. Even if we die, I will do this, right? But 3 years, he'd— for 3 years, he'd followed Jesus, hadn't he? He'd followed this man, really certain that Jesus was the Messiah, the one sent by God to rule and to reign. And Peter thought he was on the right side. But instead, Jesus tells him to put his sword away. He heals the ear that Peter had just cut off, and then Jesus lets them tie his hands and lead him into the dark without really lifting a finger. And it wasn't like Jesus had not warned them that this was going to happen. Time and again, He told them what was gonna happen, but it's a bit like Peter didn't really wanna accept it, that he wanted the miracle-working Jesus, but not this, you know, not the confusion, not really the suffering. This is not the Jesus Peter signed up for. And when the man he'd built his life around turns out not to be the one he was kind of so sure that he was, the certainty, I think, drains out of him. And what floods in to take its place is confusion. and anger, and maybe fear. And now here he is, stood in this courtyard, warming his hands against an enemy's fire, trying to look like he belongs, wanting to see what happens with Jesus. And a servant girl says, you were with him. And Peter hears his own voice. He says, woman, I do not know him. And it's out of his mouth before maybe he even decided to say it, you know. And the awful thing is how easy it was.

for Peter to say this. There's no torture. There's no threat. It's just a servant girl by a fire. And the denial falls out of his mouth like it was nothing. But something in him hardens as he says it, I think. And a little while later, someone else comes along and says, you are one of them. And he goes, man, I am not. And I think his heart hardens a little bit more. And then an hour after that, an Another one comes, and this time they are sure because they can hear it, that thick northern Galilean accent. You are a Galilean. You are definitely one of them. And Peter, the same Peter who walked on water, who said, I will lay down my life for you, starts to curse and he calls down oaths on himself. I do not know. The man. And somewhere across the yard, a rooster crows, and it announces the morning. And Jesus, being led from one hearing to the next, bound and bleeding, turns His head, and He looks directly at Peter. Across that whole courtyard, through the smoke and the guards, Jesus finds Peter's eyes, and He holds them. And Peter knows in that one second that Jesus heard every single word. He heard the first no. He heard the cursing, the oaths. He heard all of it. And Peter turns, and he shoves his way out of the gate into the dark, and the Bible said he wept bitterly. Now, I think a lot about this courtyard, and I think a lot about that fire. I don't know if you have the same thing, but you know, you, you, you can smell certain things, can't you? And that memory of that smell will take you straight back into something. For me, it's chlorine at a swimming pool. It takes me back to when I was a kid learning to swim and eating barbecue hula hoops, uh, that my dad bought. So for Peter, it would be the smell of the charcoal fire that every time he would smell that smoke, It would remind him of his decision to deny Christ. We have a posh name for it now, 'cause we've got a posh name for everything, haven't we? We call it the olfactory trigger. The smell is the cue that triggers this moment for Peter in vivid detail. And Peter is gonna smell a lot of charcoal fires, isn't he? When you think about it. But as you would expect, as bad as Peter's denial was, It is not the end of the story. So if we fast forward through the story, Jesus is crucified. He dies. He is buried. And I can imagine, I guess, at this point, Peter's fear and confusion only gets worse. But then Jesus is raised from the dead. And after that, we find Peter. He's gone back to fishing because what else do you do when you've kind of disqualified yourself and walked away? And he comes ashore one morning and finds Jesus on the beach. cooking him breakfast. And I want you to see how, uh, John describes this scene, okay? This is really important. Uh, he said, when they landed, they saw a fire of burning coals there with fresh oil on it and some bread. Now, why is this important? A fire of burning coals? Well, in Greek, Burning coals is from the— forgive my rather bad Greek pronunciation— anthrakiai is what I'm guessing. And that exact word, anthrakiai, means charcoal fire, and it appears exactly twice in the New Testament in that exact form.

It appears once here on the beach where Jesus is cooking breakfast, and once before to describe the fire in the courtyard. Okay, so the one Peter warmed his hands against while he denied ever knowing Jesus. It's the same word. So, the same fire. Okay, it's John that records this, and I think he's doing so on purpose because Jesus doesn't just restore Peter over a coffee somewhere neutral. Jesus lights The exact same fire, the same smell, the same red-hot glow. He walks Peter straight back into the sensory scene of the worst night of his life. And there, at that fire, He cooks Peter breakfast, and He asks him 3 times, once for each denial, do you love Me? So, Jesus doesn't pretend the fire never happened. But to restore Peter, he has to go back to it. He relights it because the smell and the memory of the fire needs to also be restored into something new. So, when I was a teenager, okay, I learned how to fry all kinds of food working in my local chip shop. And when I say all kinds of food, I mean all kinds of food. We fried Mars bars, Camemberts. We even did chips because, you know, it's a chip shop. And because this was the 1980s, security was very, very different back then. And so it was easy enough for me to add the cost of a meal in my head, you know, when you had people ordering 5 or 6 meals. And so I would add that in my head. I would open the till, I would take their money, I would give them their correct change because it was all cash back then. They would go away happy. But once they had left, I would put through the till. A different amount, and I would pocket the difference, knowing it was wrong every single time. It was a small family-owned chip shop, and they did not have a lot. But here I was stealing from them. I didn't have a lot either. And you know what? For the longest time, whenever I would go into a chip shop, that smell—I would remember doing that—and it started a chain of events in me when I was a teenager where I had no problem stealing from people. And it shaped me, and it shaped my identity. For some reason, in my mind, I moved from doing a bad thing to being a bad thing. I moved from stealing something to being a thief, and shame grew. I was ashamed. And I think shame takes your worst moment, and it holds it up, and it says, "There, that's that's the real." You. Everything else is you kind of pretending. And if you're like me, you can carry that shame for a long time. And so that's the difference, isn't it, between what shame does and what Jesus does? Shame takes you back to the fire and rubs your face in it. Jesus takes you to the fire and feeds you breakfast. Now, you have— you may have had your own courtyard moments, your own fire. I don't know what it is. For some of you, like Peter, you really knew him. You heard his voice, you walked with him for years, and yet somewhere along the way, you started to deny him. Except we have a much nicer word for it now. We call it deconstruction. But I wonder if underneath, it's the same courtyard that Peter sat in. Maybe Jesus didn't turn out to be the Jesus that you expected. Maybe something didn't add up. You know, despite all the warnings in the New Testament that you read over the years about how life with Christ is not going to be straightforward. Maybe the church hurt you. Maybe an important prayer went unanswered. Maybe the world didn't get put right the way you were sure that it would do. And like Peter, that disillusionment calls out, I do not know him. And then you did the same thing that Peter did. Your heart hardens. And you walk back to what you know. But the thing I love about this story is that it flatly refuses to leave Peter by that fire. Jesus came and found him on the beach, and He found him and redeemed him by the fire. And that's my prayer for you, that Jesus would find you on your beach the same way He found Peter. And notice what Jesus doesn't do on the beach. He doesn't say, don't worry about it. He doesn't sort of wave it off. He doesn't ignore it. He asks Peter 3 times, like I said, once for each denial, do you love me? And he walks him back through that wound. He doesn't skip the failure, but he heals it, every single one of them, from the inside, one layer at a time. And then because Jesus has a very Well, he's got a very definitive style, hasn't he, Jesus? He gives Peter a job, not a demotion, not a probationary period. He says, feed my sheep. Look after my people. The man who denied him becomes the man who leads the whole thing. Grace doesn't pardon Jesus, or grace doesn't just pardon Peter. Grace promotes him. And Do you know that the first job Jesus gave me when I became a Christian and He started to restore me was as a treasurer looking after money for the Christian Union? How crazy is that? The man who robbed money became the man who accounted for it. It's like a reverse Judas, isn't it? But it's kind of grace in action. The other thing I love about this is you've got to notice where Jesus meets Peter. It's not in a temple. He meets him at work, right? On an ordinary Tuesday morning, having caught nothing all night and in the middle of a failed fishing trip, um, with the smell of charcoal already in the air. It's amazing. Now, if you're sitting there tonight with a fire of your own, a moment you're sure defines you, a smell maybe you can't shake, a verdict perhaps you've already accepted, I want to tell you as plainly as I possibly can, Jesus already knows. He hears every word. He was there in the courtyard. He is not standing at your fire to cancel you. He's standing at it to cook you breakfast. So, can I encourage you? Name your fire to God right now. Say the actual thing. Here is the moment, Lord, I'm sure disqualifies me. Say it out loud if you feel comfortable, and then listen for the question that Jesus asks, because He asked Peter at the fire, not, how could you? Not, what's wrong with you? Just 3 simple words. Well, 4 simple words. Do you love me? And that's where restoration starts, not with defending yourself, not with trying to give excuses, but just coming to Him and declaring you love him. Because the worst moment is, or the worst moment in your life is not your final moment. It's not your truest moment. It's not what defines you because there's a fire and there's breakfast on the beach. That's it. That's me.

yeah, for the shark. Yeah, entire 2 Testaments. Yeah, it's the same. Brilliant.

Yeah.

Well, one of the fascinating things about this story that I didn't really pick up on was right at the start Jesus said You're going to deny me 3 times. It's like, this is, this is quite an important bit, isn't it? It's like, you know, when you— if you're anything like me, um, and I, I hope that you're not in many ways, but it's that kind of thing. We mess up and we try and hide it like no one has watched. And Adam did this first sin. It's like, let's go hide, right? It's what we do. And it's like, yeah, but what are you hiding from?

An all-knowing God.

And I think for me, this makes it easier just to go in a bizarre way. When Peter— Jesus saying that to Peter right at the start and predicting it, he knows when so-and-so walked away or when this person did this. Or, Jeremy, and it's like he knew that that was going to happen before you did it.

You still had the choice. It's not like God's making you do it, but he understands how you're going to work and what you're going to do. But he redeems you still. Do you mean he redeems you anyway?

Yeah.

Yeah.

No.

Yeah. I think this is— I mean, we're in this series, aren't we? The sort of the Jesus the Revolutionary series. And this is the revolutionary grace in action that you see, isn't it? And I And, um, I'm going back to your point about cancel culture, Anna. The, the, the other disciple that was in the courtyard with Peter was John. Um, he just got— it's funny how John describes himself. He just calls himself the other disciple.

Um, but he, he was in the courtyard with Peter. In fact, Peter couldn't first get in. John had to have a word with one or two people so Peter could get in. And he, and he— and John sees the denial. He was at the table where Jesus said, you're going to deny me 3 times.

And then, um, he of course does. And John sees this after John's managed to get him into the courtyard, and he sees Peter run off. And, um, I think he, he was at the beach when he sees Jesus say to— I'm really curious how John responded.

Do you know what I mean? Like, going back to your point, like, how did he resolve that in his own mind? Because we don't hear that John denied Peter. John's telling us, uh, that John denied Jesus. We're hearing that Peter was the one that denied, and John was the one looking after Mary. Yeah, right. Yeah. And so, and yet Peter—

Peter gets the one like, feed my sheep, right? Yeah. And so how is John responding to this? And I'm, I'm genuinely curious. I, you know, I, I, I really hope God's recorded a lot of these things on video camera in heaven. You get to see sort of certain things, the outtakes, the bloopers. Um, but it's one of those where In today's culture, Peter would have been cancelled. Yeah. The first, first denial. That's it. You're out. You're not in our community. You're not in our group. You're not part of our tribe. You are out. In fact, not only are you out, we are going to take to social media and we're going to tell the whole world how much of a muppet you really are and make your life, like, miserable. Because that's what we do in cancel culture, isn't it? It's like you don't agree with— you've put yourself outside of our tribe. That's it. You're out sort of thing.

I don't get the feeling that was John's response. No, you know, because it was joy— it was Peter and John that were walking to the temple that pulled the lame man up to walk, right?

Yeah, yeah. It's like— and I almost wonder actually whether that cemented their friendship, whether going through something like that, walking with somebody, cements that friendship. Like, I can think of a couple of people Um, who over the years walked away from God, but we walked with them. They come back to God and your friendship with that person is so much stronger. Yeah. Because you've walked with them through something, you know, quite, quite, um, sad as that. It's just really interesting. I, I, I, I am genuinely curious on, on John's response.

Oh, this is the older brother, younger brother in the prodigal son.

Such a good point, Dan.

Why don't I get it?

Um, might be regretting the 45.

Like, people—

Yeah.

Yeah.

You've kind of answered it in many ways. I think, I think actually some people need to feel shame. This is a— it's a really interesting thing, isn't it? I— there's that old phrase, ain't no shame in your game. And I think actually for some people, you know, But that said, I think shame is, um, is what Adam felt. He was ashamed, and so he hid. I think shame makes you hide.

And it kind of makes you bury your head and hope that there's a better outcome, you know, that things will be okay. Um, whereas conviction is it's an arrow, but you kind of go, yeah, yeah, that's— you've got to take that on the chin and it causes you to come to God. And I think there's a really interesting phrase, uh, in— I think it's in the book of Romans where talking about the Holy Spirit, um, and how he works, saying it's the goodness of God that leads you to repentance, right? So repentance just means to turn around, to change your ways, to acknowledge. you know, to take that conviction and go, yeah, that— not to hide, basically, to come before God with it. That's repentance. And it's understanding the goodness of God that causes you to do that. Whereas shame, I think, hides you from the goodness of God and therefore causes you to hide what you've done, push it down, bury it deep down, not talk to God about it, not talk to anybody else about it, pretend like it doesn't exist. Um, and that's what shame does. And I think just about everybody has had or will have something inside them deep locked by shame and by shame.

Yeah.

His shame was so great that for him, the only way out was to take his own life. Yeah. Which is, I mean, that's horrific. It is. It is. Yeah. And that's where shame takes you. Yeah. Not everyone, not ultimately, but I mean, we've got to talk about these things, especially, you know, what's the CALM thing? Campaigning Against Living Miserably and stuff like that. Um, and especially amongst men, the whole, the whole thing that you are captured by that and that now defines you is, I think, is just a big fat lie. Yeah. Um, yeah, Sharon put here in the comments actually on the, on the horizontal, uh, livestream. We've got 3 livestreams going on in case you don't know. We've got the extra to juggle. We've got one going to YouTube, which is the normal one you watch on TV, another one going to YouTube, which is the portrait mobile phone version. And we've got a Live Lounge happening, um, over in Zoom, which Sonia talked about in the comments. We're running a test week this week. Next week we will give you the link if you want to come join us in Live Lounge. I'll explain— well, we'll explain more about that later, I guess. Um, but Sharon put on the horizontal comments, I wonder if Jesus purposefully restored Peter in John's presence, right? That actually not only— and I, I'm going to go with yes as the answer.

And I'm going to maybe throw out there that it wasn't just for John. So restoring John's relationship with Peter so John could see the grace of God in action, you know, back to the, why do they get it and I didn't? But also so Peter could be restored in front of John. Because had he have not, even though he knew here that God had forgiven him, now his friend is also walking in that forgiveness and restoration.

And I, I'm not saying it's a male thing entirely, but I think that walking with your brother through some restoration stuff where you feel the acceptance of God plus your tribe, that's a really big deal.

That is a really big deal. And Peter and John are going to go on and form perhaps one of the best partnerships the world's ever seen in many ways for the next few years. And so I think this is absolutely critical. Um, for both of them, not just for John, but also for Peter.

Oh, is it? I was going to say, can I say, Will and Kate, well done for actually getting into the comments. He's been doing Crowd for however many years and never been able to get the YouTube comments.

Oh, Sarah from across the pond is waving at me in the YouTube comments. Hello, Sarah from across the pond. Anyway, sorry, the itchy burrito.

Well, while you're finding it, can I ask the question?

well, it's in all 4 gospels, so everybody knew about it. Yeah. So Mark was, um, written with Peter. Mark wasn't a disciple as far as I'm aware. I could be wrong, but I think Peter with Mark wrote that. You've got Matthew.

No.

Yeah, because there are only 2 people in there. So the fact that they all wrote about it and all talked about the denial as well.

Which means they all knew.

And I wonder whether it was— yeah, whether it was actually Peter that told them.

Yeah, but Pete, I think this again, going back to your point about shame and conviction, I think if you've been convicted about something and you've received the forgiveness of God, I, I don't like talking about robbing from the chip shop. I just don't. But I talk about it because I can see the redemption of God coming through the other side.

Do you know what I mean? It's like, I don't, I don't necessarily want to brag. I'm not here bragging about it, but I am saying that God did some great stuff in me as a result. And I, I wonder actually if it's Peter that tells them because of the same reason. It's like I once was blind, but now I see. It's that kind of, God did this work for me and in me, not bragging about it. But if I did this as Peter and you do something stupid, well, God's going to forgive you kind of thing.

Yeah.

The other thing that's interesting about it though is when you, if you try and put yourself in Peter's head, right? He's denied Christ 3 times. He's run away and he's wept bitterly. And I, I have to be honest and I'm, I'm really, I don't want to come across as judgementalb in any way when I say this, The thing I struggle hardest with in my Christian walk is when people walk away from the Christian faith who, like Peter, have walked with Christ, have experienced Christ, have seen the miracles, have known him, heard him, had revelation. I mean, all of the things that Peter's had. And yet somehow, because it's not— life's not working out how you expected, or Jesus is not quite matching up to what you had in your head, It's like, I'm now going to walk away. And I, I guess because I became a Christian later on in life, I've never had that desire because I know what it is I left behind. It's not that good, right? It's really not that good. And so one of the things that intrigues me in all of this is what was Peter's thinking after the denials? Because how was he justifying the denial versus what he saw for those 3 years, obviously pre-resurrection, you know, before the story starts to get really good. Um, but it's like, what was he thinking? What kind of excuses was he making for what he experienced? Do you know what I mean? And it's like, and people who just deconstruct their faith, it's like, I'm genuinely curious how you reconcile The previous 5, 10, 20 years of walking with Christ versus what you're thinking now. And one of the things that people have said to me who have deconstructed their faith as well, that was— and then would give me a rational explanation for what happened. And it's kind of like, huh, it's just really interesting that for 20 years you thought one way and now you think another way.

And you've kind of denied all of this, and you're convinced what you're thinking now is true, but you were convinced what you're thinking was true.

So how can you trust yourself now to know what's true? And I— and this comes back to— it's kind of like the reverse certainty, I think, of Peter and the bravado of the disciples. We will be here till the end. We will die with you. You know, I can just hear the conversation. I'd have said the same thing because it's very mad, and, you know, But I think sometimes there's an arrogance there, right, which says, I am so certain of my faith. I've heard so many people say that, and a few of them have walked away. Do you know what I mean? And I think we have to have a humility which says, by the grace of God, there go I. Do you know what I mean? It's kind of like, God, help me by your grace. And I wonder if that would have been a better prayer when Jesus said, this is what's going to happen, just to go, God, help me, give me your grace. Yeah, rather than— do you know what I mean?

I think it's so true. I know, I think I've heard that before, that the opposite of faith is certainty. We might have even said it on Crowd Church. And I think it is such a powerful point. Yeah, a really powerful point that it's not unbelief, it's not the doubt. Lord, I believe, help my unbelief is a prayer in scripture, right? It, it is the absolute surety. And we see— and I wonder whether actually that surety, I will not, was actually made Peter's fall even harder. I wonder if that was part of his shame, because he thought, I never thought I would do this. Do you know what I mean? I, I was a guy that was willing to chop somebody's ear off, and it's kind of like And walk on water. Yeah, yeah. And walk and have a go. Yeah. And it's kind of like, I, I just wonder if that certainty at the start, that— can I call it arrogance? I don't know. I— let me call it bravado, because it's just men, testosterone, talking about we won't do this kind of thing. And I've been in those conversations, but I think a little humility which says, you know, pride comes before the fall. This is something we need to be aware of. But actually, that little bit of humility which which just says, God help me.

You know why they've been written. Yeah, at the same time, yes, we've got to be careful with that.

Yeah. And it's— well, the New Testament again is take heed lest you fall, right? It's that Uh, I have— Paul's saying, I've run my race well with endurance. And it's like, he's only saying that at the end. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? And it's kind of like, well, well done, Paul. Yeah. But at the start, were you, were you that confident? And it's that kind of— again, I like your point. It's that, that it's good to have some certainty about your faith. Certainty is the wrong word given what we've just said. It's confidence. Yeah. It's good to have confidence in, in God and boldness. I love boldness.

And interestingly, actually, the first prayer Peter prays that we know about after Jesus ascends to heaven, Lord, give us boldness, you know, behold their threats and give us boldness that we may proclaim your word as we ought. And it's that kind of— the boldness is not in my bravado, it's in proclaiming the word of God. And I, and I think certainty is bad. I think confidence is— certainty is not bad, but you know what I mean?

Confidence is great. Boldness is great in the things of God. Um, but take heed lest you fall. Don't be that arrogant, you know. Keep a short account of the sin. Keep, keep your heart soft.

Yes, that whole thing. It's not about you, it's not about anything you've done. And as soon as it starts being about you and you and your achievements, and it's like, I think it's a slippery slope.

Yeah.

Um, well, it is interesting that all the Gospels were written post-resurrection. They, they're not journal entries. No, right? These are, these are understanding events in the light of a resurrected Christ. And I, I wonder if they'd have written them as journal entries. whether that— I mean, I, I do feel like they've tried to be honest in the Gospels. Like, we were thinking, what? And a bunch of disciples walked away and all this sort of stuff. Um, and I— yeah, it's, it's an interesting one, isn't it? And I think one of the dangers actually of Christian books— so you read a good Christian book, The Cross and the Switchblade, is, you know, or whichever one is your, your, your book of choice.

Now, Sand Between Your Toes, available from all good bookstores, wherever books are sold, written by Anna Kettle. Anna Kettle writes Thanks for that, Matt. No worries. And actually, stay connected because Anna is now writing a second book.

You have a deal with a publisher for the second one. I'm gonna need your autograph soon. Um, where was we? Oh yeah, Christian books. Yeah, the thing about a Christian book is you, you write them post-event, right? And so, um, the stories that you read— like, I will— I always love reading the stories of Smith Wigglesworth. John G. Lake, these kind of old-school preachers that God would just heal everybody through. Do you know what I mean? And just amazing stuff happening. And you'd read these stories and you go, God, why is that? If I look at my life and I look at his, it's like they just don't measure up. And the trouble we have when you read these kind of books is you read about their mountaintop experiences. What you don't read about is the 5 years of boredom in between where the day in, day out has to happen.

And so, and it's a— I mean, we do it in a much simpler way, I think, with Instagram. We judge and compare these beautiful moments to our life. Well, you're on a yacht. Why am I not on a yacht? And it's that kind of— what we don't see in any of these is, is the boring drudgery.

Do you know what I mean? And I think we— they are great books to read, super inspiring, but I think you have to read them in the context. which says, actually, it's what I do on a Tuesday morning when I get out of a fishing boat and I've not, I've not caught anything all night. It's been useless. It's all failed. And it's in that point Jesus meets him on the beach. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. So anyway, I think I've laboured that point enough.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

And you don't have all the end— you don't have— there's still answers you need to have, right? But this comes back—

But that comes back to the faith versus certainty thing. Yeah. And in the meantime, in the midst of the questioning, you go, where else am I going to go? The ironic thing is, I know people that would have probably counseled you through the miscarriages, prayed with you, prayed for you, encouraged you. But when something similar happens to them, they're the ones that walk away. Yeah. And it's kind of like, well, hang on a minute. Why? Why can you encourage and pray for somebody when they're going through difficult times? Stay faithful. Stick it out. God's not finished. But when it's you, oh, that's a different story. Yeah. And it comes. Comes back to that pride humility thing. Anyway, I think we've opened a big enough can of worms. Yeah. Right at the end.

We have covered— well, it's the first week back. We've got to cram it all in. Be a lot calmer next week. Yeah. So just to say, next week we will hopefully be doing live lounge. We've got to get some feedback from the people in the Zoom room, but we are gonna do this thing called Live Lounge where if you want to watch on YouTube, you're more than welcome and you can write in the comments like folks have done tonight. But in Live Lounge, what we're going to do is make it so you can watch and hear the live stream in a Zoom meeting with people from around the world. Um, and you can chat and meet people and make friends. And whilst we're maybe doing Conversation Street here, at some point we will stop that. You can carry on the conversation amongst each other. Um, and so by all means, like I say, stay on YouTube if that's not your vibe. But if you want to get together with people, build community, build friendships, have conversation, meet new people, um, then Live Lounge is going to be the place to do it. We will put the links out, uh, at some point during the next week. I might even get them in this week's newsletter. If you're not subscribed to the newsletter, do subscribe. But we'll also put them in the Zoom comments during the live streams going forward. So you'll, you'll start to pick it up. Um, so Live Lounge going forward, that's what's happening.

Yeah, you don't have to have your camera on, by the way, if you come into Live Lounge. Yeah, you can, uh, you don't even have to have microphone on, I suppose. But, um, if you want to come have conversation Um, feel the freedom. But yes, uh, that's what's, uh, going to be happening with Live Lounge. So we're going to stop this. Zoe, my beautiful daughter who's doing the tech, please do not end the Zoom once we've ended this. We're going to let them chat and then we're going to join in. Okay, uh, you can just put it on mute when you— when we've done.

Yeah, sorry.

Well, I know I've just informed about live lunch.

Um, you— are you like here for like the next few weeks?

You did all right saying you've been off for quite a while. You didn't stumble. You didn't. No. Did you enjoy it?

So next week, Dan's on tech. Okay. You and Dave Connolly are hosting, and Shaz, my beautiful wife, is speaking. Brilliant. So got all that to look forward to.

Oh, actually, we need to put the Zoom link in the comments, don't we?

And also, is there an alpha we want to, uh, oh yes, people about? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Actually, that comment— sorry, we've just got things a little bit confused. go.crowd.church/meet is not an active link anymore. Um, so I will put in go.crowd. I think the link is go.crowd.church/live-lounge, um, is the actual link. So, um, I don't know why I'm logged in as Aurion Vault, but there you go. So go.crowd.church/live-lounge if you want to come join us afterwards. It'd be great to see. In fact, you can go straight, straight there now. It should be, it should be live. Um, and yes, on Wednesday we have a brand new Alpha course starting. So if you want to do Alpha and explore Christianity with us, it's a real simple, easy course where we explore some of the key ideas of Christianity. Um, takes about 15 weeks, every Wednesday night, 7:30 UK time. And again, we do it on Zoom. You get to meet some really great people. You don't need to put your camera on. You're not going to get preached at. This is just a conversation where we where some really great stuff is going to happen and you'll make some really good friends. And so people love Alpha. So that one is starting on Wednesday. If you want to come along with Alpha with a friend, or if you want to recommend it to somebody, please do that. Just sign up on the website, uh, www.crowd.church/alpha, or just follow the Alpha link on the website, um, and then you'll get into the system, you'll get all the emails, you'll get the links and all that sort of stuff. So just head to the website And you, my friend, will be good to go. And I will see you there. I'm doing the Alpha this week, uh, this Alpha course. So, um, I'll see you in there on Wednesday. I love Alpha.